


Beginnings and Ends

by Kisskossfloss



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Across the Years, Beginnings, Ends, Eventual Sex, Fluff, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-12-15 19:49:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11812998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kisskossfloss/pseuds/Kisskossfloss
Summary: When Phil lets a small mistake slip during a liveshow, he and Dan are faced with a dilemma- to tell or not to tell? This is a story set between three distinct timelines: Dan's beginnings with Phil, Phil's beginnings with Dan, and their collective present in which they must decide if keeping themselves quietly closeted is all still worth it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story comes from my wondering about how different the face of the internet and the internet community is in regards to relationships, especially non-heterosexual ones compared to the early youtube days. Let me know what you think!

Chapter 1: The Beginning to the End

The internet was a safe-ground, a place to explore in quiet wonderment. A place where you could be anyone, or no one. Dan wasn’t sure which he wanted to be, but he loved the possibility of all and of nothing.  
The weirdness of the internet, the pull of oddity and strange beauty was so appealing. He had always been a bit strange, a bit beautifully odd too, though he didn’t really believe that. He wanted to be, wanted to be so strikingly gorgeous, so sexy that he could rise above the annoying mediocrity of his suburban life.

There was a restless swelling beneath his breast.

“Something more” it whispered, “you are destined for more than the mundane.”

Maybe that was the scariest thought, to end up in a quaint home on a quiet street in a small town.  
That fear felt inevitable until he found Phil’s videos. Here was someone weird and funny in that odd way he was. And here was someone beautiful, the kind of beautiful that grew and grew until it constricted your breathing.

Dan felt consumed by Phil, and wanted to interact so badly, knowing he was most likely screaming into the void until, miraculously, Phil answered back.

Then they were talking, swimming on the safe-side of flirting. It felt dangerous and exciting to Dan. Phil was the oddity of the internet. Phil was the strange beauty of the strange world.

Phil was his dream.  
—  
Dan’s eyes fluttered awake. It was an ambiguous time and his room was dark and warm, an easy space to slip into eternal sleep. Groaning, he rolled over picking up his phone, the locked screen illuminated with message after message after message. His eyes slowly adjusted and focused on one key text from Phil that simply said “I’m so sorry.”

“Wha-” Dan murmured, sitting up. He unlocked his phone and open his text conversation with Phil.

Phil: Dan I messed up!!

Phil: Dan, don’t check twitter!

Phil: I can’t believe this.

Phil: I’m so sorry

It was weird of Phil to be so vague and so frantic over text. Anxious fear bubbled inside Dan as he lept out of bed to find Phil.

“Phil!” He screamed, the concern and desperation becoming more and more prominent. He searched the flat, Phil was nowhere.

Dan: Phil- what happened? Where are you?

No answer.

It wasn’t until much later when Dan heard the jangle of keys and the sticking of the front door.

“Phil?” He asked, hearing his own voice float across the flat.

“I’m here.” Phil stated flatly.

It seems a beat too long when Phil finally appeared in the room, dark circles under his eyes, hair swept back. He looked almost unrecognizable when he wore it that way, so much older.

“Phil, what the hell is going on?” Dan yelled. The fear that had by now subsided was pushing up his stomach and settled, swirling in his chest.

“Did you watch my live show yesterday?” Phil asked. Dan had not, it was unusual for him to not see it either in person or on screen, but Dan had felt poorly and fell asleep uncharacteristic early after taking medicine.

“No…”

“I messed up, Dan. I really messed up.” Phil sputtered. He dropped his gaze from Dan, shame washing over him.

Dan waited. He waited and waited.

Finally Phil spoke.  
—  
Phil was tired. He was tired of the accusations and the picking apart of every movement or word or glance in everything he did. He was starting to grow a bit paranoid that he was never really safe from prying eyes, but the fear of possible backlash to truth was still bigger and more powerful. In his mind, change was too great of a career risk.

Truthfully, being tired and paranoid was a rarity for Phil. He loved his fans, he loved his job, he loved the choices he had made and was content with the sacrifices. Something about today was different. Something itched beneath his skin, irritating his being. He shouldn’t have done the live show. Normally, if he felt anything but content he wouldn’t go live. There were too many chances to slip up, and being calculated was his only shot at continued longevity in this career.

But he went on anyway because it had been two weeks since his show.

He started cheerfully and sweet, welcoming watchers and telling them about his day.

“Kayla asks ‘how is your day going?’ It’s going great, Kayla. I went out for breakfast with my in… uh, Dan’s parents” he sputtered. “And, and, had the biggest meal of my entire life! The plate alone was bigger than my entire torso!” He was desperately trying to steer quickly away from his mistake. He knew if he could bury his small mistake in other drabble, he could get much of his audience away from questions about the rest of that word.

But today’s viewers were dedicated to his mistake. Floods of “did you just call Dan’s parents your in-laws?” And “are you MARRIED?” Flashed on his screen. He tried to find questions about anything else in the chat, but if any existed, they were being overpowered.

He ignored the chat, talked instead about the meal and buying a new game. He even brought up the fail safe “maybe we’ll get a dog soon” but nothing seemed to quiet down the chat from his earlier reference to his in-laws.

He ended the chat early, only 20 minutes long. Was that a worse choice? And why was this, of all mistakes, getting to him? There were far more incriminating videos and pictures around the internet, and those he could handle, but this?

The house was quiet when he closed his laptop. The silence pressed against his burning cheeks and bounced in his eardrums painfully. What if this was the mistake? The one that opened the truth and couldn’t be shut again?

Phil stayed off his phone for hours, trying to busy himself, but the constant nag of the undoubtedly growing interest in his words became too overpowering. He opened his twitter, his instagram, his YouTube account. Screen caps, questions, even elaborate think pieces were already spreading.

His usual approach is to ignore, and he does so with a calm feeling and sense of control behind his choice. Today, his stomach twisted and turned and under his breastbone a thousand fluttering wings beat.  
He left the flat and walked around London, texting Dan while he silently cried in the darkness.  
—  
“Phil” Dan began, gently, with a loving, babying edge to his tone. “It’s been so much worse than that.”

“It feels different this time. Maybe I’m different this time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe I’m tired of being quiet about this, maybe I…”

Dan waited, he nodded knowingly, understanding a need to share, and also the repercussions of that choice holding his lips together.

“Dan, I think I want to tell the truth.”


	2. My Language

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginnings of interaction and the current depth of life.

Chapter 2: My Language

In the beginning, being sexually ambiguous wasn’t a specific choice. He was just being himself. Really, the consequences of his actions felt so minuscule, and maybe they were, or maybe he didn’t care. Even five years ago being out online wasn’t well-received, and everyone was closeted. But the internet, and the Western world, had been shifting towards tolerance and even, for some, celebration.

When Phil started posting, it was just, as for many old youtubers, a way to send out something into the small universe of the internet. A place to be funny in his own way, a place where if people didn’t get it, he didn’t have to be present for their confusion.

People were often confused by Phil when they really got to know him. He was always great at small talk, great at making people feel at ease, but when he really let himself out, was the real weird version of himself, people dropped off. And he hated, more than anything, the blank stares, or questioning brows people gave him like he suddenly started speaking a different language.

On the internet, other people either understood his language or tried to, and if they didn’t, they clicked off or said something mean, but he could turn off his computer- he was in full control.

When Dan started contacting him it seemed like Phil might actually have a shot at someone who fully understood him being part of his real life.Dan was adoring in a way that was fresh and new at the time. And his attentiveness to Phil was flattering, the things Phil was doing, and really what he had been doing in some way his whole life, was rewarded by this adoration.

In a moment of boldness built on messages and tweets and comments, Phil asked “Should we Skype? It would be nice to see your face.” It was exhilarating to send that out, his stomach clenched while he waited for Dan’s reply.

“You mean one tiny picture of me isn’t good enough XD” Dan had teased “Yes when??” Dan followed

Their first face-to-face chat was overpowering. Phil had not been prepared for the buzzing energy his body created while he waited for Dan to pick up the call. Calm down he coached to himself, he’s supposed to be the fan, not you.

And then, quietly, Dan appeared. He was gorgeous. Phil’s breath caught quietly in his throat.

“It’s you.” Phil said, his voice low and gravelly.

“It’s me!” Dan answered, jolly and fresh.

They talked about nothing, and about everything, everything except the need Phil felt to keep talking. His energy was bucking inside of him. Phil believed he could speak to Dan for the rest of eternity and still want to hear and share more and more and more. He had other friends, other people who he loved to talk with but with Dan, at this moment, he knew he could be a completely unaltered, uncensored version of Phil. He was not AmazingPhil, he was Phil Lester.

Dan laughed and laughed, a sharp, piercing laugh- boisterous and full. The kind of laugh that you know was real. Phil could eat and drink that laugh, consume it daily if he had the choice.

“Shit! It’s really late.” Dan said finally. “We been at it for five hours!”

“Do you have to go?” Phil asked, he didn’t mean to be needy, he meant to be cool and calculated, but the possibility of this ending brewed franticness inside of him.

“Maybe not.” Dan said, winking.

—

“Phil. You don’t want to go public” Dan said, his voice was still calm and steady. Phil began to cry, and rested his head on Dan’s lap. Phil breathed in the warm skin of Dan, his favorite smell. He was comforted for a moment. Dan was home base, but that comfort and the fact that it is under constant, watchful guard, made his tears come again.

They sat there for a stretch of time, Dan stroking Phil’s temple, Phil slipping between sleep and miserable wakefulness.

“Phil.” Dan said, not even sure if Phil was awake to hear. “I want to tell too, but we can’t… not until we’re ready for it to all end.”

—

The train ride to Manchester was long and arduous. What was worse was the pecking of his subconscious against his waking mind. He wanted Phil, in what way he wasn’t entirely sure he was willing to acknowledge. He had been with other boys- kissed a few at parties, fondled one when he was a little drunk, but Phil wasn’t some horny boy, bored in a suburb and desperate for someone to touch him. Phil was a representation of more- and that was a terrifying prospect.

When Dan exited the train, a small rush of people pushed their way around him. He glanced around feeling goofy and lanky and stupid. And just when he felt low enough to slink back into the train and ride back, he spotted Phil.

Phil, tall and lean. Phil, with a bright green shirt, and jet black hair. Phil, whose eyes met Dan’s, and whose mouth broaden into an almost embarrassingly large smile. The world melted away, it was just them.

“Dan!” He yelled, giggling. Dan and Phil walked towards each other, not really sure if they should keep eye contact while they walked.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” Phil said when they were close enough to speak. And then, Phil reached out and pulled Dan into an embrace. He wanted to resist, embarrassment bubbled up, but the warmth of Phil, the smell of him, the fact that he was there in flesh, let Dan step away from his social discomfort. Who cares, he thought at that moment, fuck them. He hugged Phil back.

They walked to Starbucks, sitting in large, stuffed chairs near a window. It was a gloomy sort of day, no one else would think of it as being particularly important, but it was monumental for Dan. Phil leaned into to Dan when he spoke, his eyes bright, and watchful, like he was lapping Dan up. Again, a nagging fear of being watched and mocked crept behind Dan’s eyes, but wanting and needing Phil was bigger or more important.

That night, they sat on Phil’s bed, watching videos from the computer resting on Phil’s lap. They were laughing loudly, Dan was rocking, letting himself fully go. When their laughter dwindled down, the quietness of the room and the fact that Dan was laying next to Phil, became more and more pronounced. What would happen if Dan touched Phil’s hand? What if he leaned in closer so their shoulders were touching? What if he…kissed Phil? But before he could even begin to address those questions (and certainly before he could freak out at the last one), Phil turned his face towards Dan’s, leaned in close, and pressed his lips sweetly to Dan’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!


	3. Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's hesitations, Phil's seductive self, and the thread of comfort through their story.

Phil pulled away from Dan gently, leaving only a small breath’s space between them. Dan could feel Phil’s piercing stare, but Dan could only look at Phil’s lips. Those lips that had just been on his own. Those lips that had electrified his body all the way through to his toes. 

“Was that OK?” Phil whispered, a smile budding at the corners of his mouth. 

Dan could only nod. He didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to hear his own voice, reminding him that he was Dan and this was Phil. When he kissed Jeremy last year it was sloppy and mechanical, this kiss was different. It had been only a moment, barely even a touch, but it swelled within him. 

Phil leaned in again, this time brushing his palm up Dan’s neck, cupping his jaw, his fingers gently hooking Dan’s ear. Phil kissed him again, his mouth was soft and his lips felt full and comforting on Dan’s. A loud exhale escaped from Dan as he took the kiss. He let his body fully relax into Phil, turning down the volume of his racing mind and his constant need to categorize what was happening and what it all meant. It didn’t seem to matter right now. All that mattered was this kiss, this feeling of Phil’s lips and tongue, the way Phil’s long, thin fingers caressed his neck and ears, how Phil’s other hand wrapped around Dan’s waist as he shifted over Dan. 

Dan moved his body to lay lazily under Phil’s. He knew that if he fully let himself dive into what was happening he might end it all- or it might become so frantic that it would be dangerous. So instead, with tentative fingers, he languidly stroked the skin peeking out between Phil’s shirt and his pants. 

“Mmm…” Phil moaned pushing a leg between Dan’s. Dan knew Phil would be able to feel what this was doing to him, how very much he wanted this to be happening, and how strongly his body was responding. Was it happening for Phil too? 

The same thing was definitely happening to Phil, Dan could feel it happening as their jeans rubbed together. The noise of fabric pushing against fabric became deafening to Dan, louder and louder until he felt like he wasn’t even part of this kiss or this moment anymore. Raw, unbounded panic energy rushed through Dan’s body, extinguishing the passion he had felt.   
Dan broke suddenly from Phil, moving his head away from Phil’s face and out of Phil’s hands. His eyes were wide as he panted. What would Phil think of him? Would Phil yell at him? Was this all Phil wanted in the first place? The thoughts he was keeping behind a closed door only a moment ago came rushing in, clouding his judgement. 

But Phil did not scream, he didn’t say anything, just rolled off of Dan, a small, knowing smile on his lips and placed the computer back on his lap and pressed play.   
Dan’s breathing came back to normal a few minutes later, though his thoughts still stirred violently in his head, banging themselves against the sides of his skull as he rolled over looking at Phil. Phil didn’t look angry, he looked- okay, maybe even content. How could he be content? How could this be alright to him?

“It’s alright, baby” Phil said, turning towards Dan and placing his hand once again to Dan’s cheek. His voice was sweet, “It’s all alright.”

\--

Phil had been an odd boy. He had believed silly, fantastical things and understood the world from a magical perspective, one that was rarely appreciated or understood. When he started university, however, it was   
clear that there were more weirdos in the world than he had come to believe. And even though so many still didn’t really get Phil, didn’t really know what he meant when he said something, or knew how to take his humor, he was still well liked. But connecting with someone on a deeper level was something Phil found he struggled. He could make friends with just about anyone, but a boyfriend seemed out of the question.

Marcus was in one of Phil’s classes his first year. He sat at the front near Phil, diligently taking notes with a furrowed brow, pen placed between his lips while he listened intently to the professor. One day, as a fully grown man, Phil would have left him alone, someone so stoic would never make sense with Phil, but youth brings a great deal of confidence. And so when Phil noticed Marcus at his house party (or rather one of his flatmate’s parties), he slinked up to him and offered a drink. He listened to Marcus talk about himself, adding in questions and expressing interest to everything said. He touched Marcus’ hand as they laughed, moved in closer when the music became louder to whisper in his ear, and suggested they move to his room so they could keep talking. Talking became touching, touching became kissing, and kissing lead on and on and on. 

Marcus didn’t last long, only a few months. Seductive Phil and Comforting Phil were a universally desired, but Silly Phil? Funny Phil? Everyday Phil? Those versions might as well have been alien to Marcus. 

“What are you going on about? What’s wrong with you?” Marcus had asked him incredulously. This had been a common question, and at first it had been tangled in a laugh, but then it was serious with an expectation to be answered. 

Most of the men after Marcus ended the same way, with the same questions. 

All but Dan, whose questions never turned into harsh, cold jabs. His awe of Phil never ceased, even when they fought, even when they were cross, he never stopped understanding Phil. 

After their first kiss, when he could feel Dan’s dichotomous panic-erection, Phil was faced with a choice- to pursue or to back off. Normally, he would have waited for Dan to calm down, and then slowly touched his leg near the inner thigh. Then he would have pressed his nose against Dan’s neck, breathing hot air as his hand moved up Dan’s leg, cupping him. He would have kissed Dan’s neck, licked behind his ear, bit the lobe, turned Dan’s head to face his, kissed him while he undid Dan’s belt. But Phil did not do those things. Instead he lay next to Dan, wanting, instead to be weird with him. Dan seemed worth that. 

\-- 

Through the shear curtains, the early morning sun shone into the living room and onto Dan and Phil’s crumpled, squished bodies on the couch. Phil stirred, pain pressed behind his eyes. 

“Dan” he mumbled, “wake up, we fell asleep on the couch.”

Dan blinked, his eyes were sticky. He must have been crying at some point in the night. They looked at each other, the heaviness of decision between them. 

“Should we check and see what the state of the internet is now?” Dan asked.

“Not before breakfast, and certainly not before coffee.” Phil answered, lifting himself off the couch, his knees cracking loudly. When had he become so creaky? When had he started to become so old?

He shuffled into the kitchen and opened a few cupboards. He took out a large white mug with tiny cartoon puppies running and playing and rolling around on it and placed in on the counter. He sighed, closing his eyes and letting his head hang heavy. He had wanted everything to lift off of his shoulders. He wanted it all to dissipate after coming home to Dan, and for Dan’s comfort to wipe away this experience. But he was still heavy, still solemn. 

In the background, he could hear Dan enter the room, and move gently around him, making coffee. He did not attempt to stir, did not attempt to move from his slumped position against their countertop. Dan’s arms wrapped around Phil’s waist, his head turned and pressed on Phil’s shoulder. 

“It’s alright, baby. It’s all alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapters are quite short, but I think they are working. How are people feeling about having some insight to other relationships? It's not something I would really harp on at all in this story, but I think it adds some depth to character. Let me know!! Hope you enjoyed it!


	4. You Give and It Takes

When Dan began tentatively making videos and posting them online, he barely gave thought to long-term projections or impacts of his actions to his “career.” That word itself elicited an eye roll so hard his eyes almost just gave up and left his body all together. He did not care as much about the Future as he did about the now. He was cheeky and brave and dangerous. So was Phil. 

It had been a violently passionate period of time of visiting each other when Dan was laying in Phil’s bed, his forehead covered in a sheen of sweat, his chest still heaving, when Dan rolled to his side and, unexpectedly to both of them said, “I love you.” His voice had worked of its own accord, and Dan instantly regretted such a bold, uncompromising confession to be said out loud. Phil looked at him, a moment of wide-eyed shocked passed over his face, then a comforting smile. 

“I love you as well”

This set a precedence in their relationship, one in which Dan gushed and Phil quietly agreed. Dan would cling to Phil, reach over to press a kiss on his mouth, lay a hand on his lap, shift over in the night to hold Phil, and Phil would always lean in, but he rarely initiated. As new as this had been to Dan, it was even newer to Phil. Phil, who had many conquests, but little romance. Phil, who was an expert at the set-up, but struggled with the follow-through, not because a lack a desire, or the presence of fear, but rather a result of inexperience. He could learn the subtleties of Dan’s sexual desires and needs, he could anticipate and adjust and adapt to be everything Dan wanted when their bodies rubbed together, voices strained, breath hitching, but what was too much or too little to love Dan?

Phil knew that his hesitation was noticed by Dan, possibly worrying him. Couldn’t Dan see how very much he loved him too? How greatly encompassing his love for Dan was that he felt like all his neurons were firing at the same time? How he ached when Dan left, pined for his return, was comforted by just the thought of Dan’s existence in the world? For the first time since meeting Dan, Phil was restrained. Phil held back, holding his breath. 

“Phil…” Dan had begun in the midst of an hour-long conversation deep within the night before he would travel away with his family. 

“Yeah”

“Are you, like, still…I don’t know how to say this…” Dan’s voice faltered. He looked away from the screen. Phil knew what he wanted to say, but couldn’t fill in the blank. 

“Am I what?”

“Do you still want to do this?”

“Do what? Skype? Are you tired?” He was being a coward, purposefully avoiding. 

“No, you twat, do you still want this” Dan angrily looked up, motioning the space between himself and the webcam. 

“What! Of course I do!” Phil answered, even knowing what was coming didn’t stop the blast of pressure that sat on his chest. 

“You don’t seem like it” Dan mumbled. “Look, I need to go, it’s late, I have to travel all day, I’ll talk to you later.” Before Phil could respond, Dan ended the call, and logged off.  
Something had to be done, but what?

Days later, Phil sat before his camera. If he was to be himself, to really let go with Dan, what better way than where he was most comfortable? He turned on the camera and released it all.  
_________

The Friday after Phil’s live show mistake was mostly a wash. Dan spent the entirety of it next to Phil, keeping physical contact as much as possible. That night, they lay in bed together, Phil’s lethargy potent. 

Neither had their phones opened, but they were not talking or touching, just lying in bed, shoulder to shoulder, waiting. 

“Do you remember,” Dan began, “the first time I told you I loved you?” 

“Of course” 

“I was terrified, I said it without any planning, without any contemplation, and I just felt it and it came. It was so much easier then.”

“Maybe…”

Dan sat up on his forearm, turning towards Phil, a questioning look on his face. 

“I mean, yeah, we could just be whatever, we could just feel something and express it, and now here we are, falling apart because of a side comment I sort of made. But, honestly, that past had its restrictions that  
I don’t feel anymore.” Phil glanced over at Dan, the room was dark and quiet, he could only make out the basic shape of Dan, but it was still comforting to know his form so well that all he needed was an outline. 

“With one gain comes another sacrifice,” Dan finished. 

“I’ve always been ok with it, “Phil said, now sitting up fully, head slumped and shoulders hunched over crossed legs. “our sacrifices, I mean. I was always ok with the choices we made to keep us a secret, I was ok with keeping this huge part of us locked away from the world of strangers that encompass our lives. And, it’s not that I want to share that, it’s not that I want my content to become a follow-me-around vlog or start making boyfriend tags. I think it is more that I just don’t want to tip-toe around it.” 

Dan sat up and scooted behind Phil, wrapping his body around Phil’s. He kissed Phil’s neck, a soft wet kiss. He rubbed firmly on Phil’s upper arms, massing the muscles underneath. Somehow they ended up here, Dan only able to meet Phil physically, not being sure what to say or how to comfort other than to make him feel. 

His hands traveled down Phil’s arms, and large fingers intertwined with long fingers. The kissing at Phil’s neck became more fervent, pressed and interspersed with a hot, heavy tongue. Phil’s head lolled to the side, resting on Dan’s shoulder as their hands unraveled. And without much prompt, without much need for adjustment or even conscious thought, Dan hands were underneath Phil’s bottoms. Dan’s hands cupped and stroked. Phil’s eye rolled back, a low, guttural sound emitted from his throat as Dan licked his hand, and returned to Phil, slick strokes resumed. 

Images of the past, of countless nights of this very picture, or of the opposite flooded Phil’s mind. "And this secret, secret, secret" his mind whispered. He whimpered quietly in response, couldn’t he just have this moment? Couldn’t his mind just let him have this? 

And as if he could read his mind Dan said, “Let it go, it’s just me and you. Let me take care of you.” Phil grunted into an orgasm, a release pitiful and heartbreaking. If he could cry, he would have. If he hadn’t spent so much of the last couple of days in despair, maybe he would have. The same way Dan would in the beginning, overwhelmed by everything that he would curl up and cry in bed. 

Instead, Phil turned over, his eyes wild and bright, “Let me fuck you” he growled. 

And Dan did, because if that’s all he could do, he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was basically left for dead, but I felt compelled today. I know where I think I want this to go, but getting there is a struggle! If you are liking what's happening, please let me know. Should I keep this story going or should I end it?


End file.
